I hate you, Pinterest.

Monday morning…I’m doing my usual rundown of the mommy blogs, when I came across a post about the Elf.  You know the one…Elf on the Shelf?  Elf on a Shelf?  Whatever he/she/it is, I know it pops up in my Facebook newsfeed con-stant-ly.  The post was something along the lines of “101 Fun Things to Do with Your Elf!”
Not on the top 101 list.
Tangent: Can I tell you about how much I loathe the elf?  First, he’s creepy.  Second, why do we have to scare our children into behaving around Christmas?  The idea of some little elf spying on your kids is frightening to me as an adult…kids just buy into this garbage?  No.  Stop it with the elf.  You need to acknowledge and encourage your kids’ good behavior…not tattle-tale on the bad.  If you only focus on the good, your kids will catch on, and they’ll want to continue finding ways to do good.  At least that’s the plan in our house.
Back to the list 101 fun things:
‘Scuse me…did you say ONE HUNDRED AND ONE?  When does this Elf business start, Labor Day?!
Who has time to sit down and compose 101 fun things to do with an Elf doll?  I’ll tell you who:
PINTEREST PEOPLE.
You know who you are.
I waited a while before joining Pinterest because, let’s be honest, I needed another time-suck like I needed another glass of wine (I NEED IT).  So when I’m done spending unnecessary amounts of time on BuzzFeed, celebrity gossip, mommy blogs and Facebook, I can go pin things on boards.  Yay!
I never feel an ounce of inadequacy until I visit my Pinterest account.  Once the boards of recipes, organization tips, sewing patterns, paint colors and DIY everything that I’m absolutely never going to get around to actually DIY-ing pop up, it’s like looking at a failed to do list.  That I super failed, big time.
Remember my week of vacay at home?  One of the items on my list for that glorious week was to make my own household cleaners.  Enough with the harsh and dangerous chemicals; we having baking soda, vinegar, and other stuff that these crunchy mamas tell me will clean my oven better than Easy Off, and it’s so safe that Miles could drink seven gallons and instead of having to call Poison Control, I would have to call The New York Times because he would have baby super powers from the all natural goodness!  Yes!  I want a super baby! (Editor’s note: We already have a super baby.)
There were 31 different recipes for cleaners.  Some of them involved ingredients like lemongrass, essential oils and tears from virgin Alpacas in the Andes (they can only shed these tears during Summer Solstice, otherwise your window cleaner won’t work for poop).  Too much work.  In crept the feeling of defeat, before I’d even begun my stupid project.

We bring you gifts that will remove hard water build up from your shower door.

Don’t get me started on the kitchen stuff.  I have boards for recipes that use ingredients like cardamom, blood oranges and more virgin Alpaca Summer Solstice tears.  I shop at Publix.  There are days where they don’t even have parsley, let alone cactus pear.  Last time I checked, my kitchen wasn’t hosting episodes of “Chopped.” Also, who has time to cook a meal that has 15 ingredients and requires a fondue pot?  There are nights we’re so busy it’s just breakfast for dinner…and my husband is always super excited about breakfast for dinner, until I hand him a box of Honey Bunches of Oats and a carton of almond milk.  LOOK HONEY, BREAKFAST!
And do you know about the secret boards?  Oh yes, you can have secret boards, and you can choose who has access.  So for when I really want to pin a project that will never, ever in a million years even get considered to be added to my to do list, I can put it on a secret board.  There are times I laugh as I’m pinning.
I can’t drink the Pinterest Kool-Aid.  I don’t know when you People of Pinterest have time to crochet sweaters for your parakeets.  
You can seriously Google anything.
Maybe you do it after your kids go to bed.  And maybe I could do that, too…or maybe I’d really just like to take those couple hours to sit on the couch and vegetate.  Or read a book I started six weeks ago.  Or drink some Christmas beer and bitch about Pinterest in a blog.
I have time for painting with sweet potatoes (one of Miles’ current fave games) and making pig snorting noises and chasing the kid who’s chasing a cat around every single dining room chair.  I have time to live in the chaos and joy that is “new parents.”  I have time to relish these moments and days as they come.  I do not have time to Pin. 
Oh, and my DIY cleaning products?  I’m going to call it a half win, because I just ended up throwing away all of the cleaners I had in my cabinets before, and buying half a dozen different products from Seventh Generation.  I had a coupon.  And I’m lazy.  But I feel moderately accomplished, and you can drink our window cleaner. 
So Pinteresting,
Kristin
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