Now that my mom has finally recognized my stellar writing ability, I’ve been granted permission to write regular posts for her little blog. Not only will my fans appreciate this, but it could bring new readers for my mom. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. – Miles
On Christmas Eve, my mom and I went to Publix. This was an exciting trip. I love the grocery store, and so does my mom. How do I know she loves Publix, especially on Christmas Eve? Because we had lots of fun, and played tons of games. Here’s how:
Singing. Lots of you know that my mom loves music. As soon as we neared the Publix parking lot at 7:30am on Christmas Eve, she began singing one of her faves, “Welcome to the Jungle.” Have you heard her Axl Rose impression? It’s pretty spot-on. She sang with such tenacity, I knew she was super excited to be at Publix. SHANANANANANAKNEESKNEES!
Circling. Mom is a nervous driver. Don’t tell her I said that; she’s constantly telling me that she’s a “cautious” driver. Her level of caution can be measured by the number of circles around the parking lot, as she waits for her special parking spot to become available. Do you know about the special parking spot? It’s four rows away from Publix. Not only is it four rows away, but it’s also the last spot in the row. Mom says the extra 4,783 feet we have to walk to get to Publix is “exercise.” She really parks there so she can avoid hitting cars, shopping carts, palm trees and pedestrians. We do not park anywhere else, so for her to wait 37 minutes on Christmas Eve for the special spot shows her enthusiasm to start grocery shopping.
Bumper Buggies. Wheeeee! Bumping into other buggies is so much fun! I know mom loves it because she’s always whispering the nicknames of other shoppers under her breath as we bump into their carts. Her favorite fellow buggy bumper contender is “HURRY UP AND PICK OUT A TOMATO ALREADY, SLOWPOKE MCGEE.” Mom always wins Bumper Buggies. Christmas Eve was like the Superbowl of Bumper Buggies. We won all the points.
Ninja Chops. This is mom’s second favorite game, and it’s the most fun at Publix. As soon as someone tries to poke my face, she ninja chops their arm. The more ninja chops, the more points. On Christmas Eve we won so many points that my mom is now a Ninja Warrior.
Games, in General. In addition to bumping buggies and chopping strangers, there are lots of other fun games that my mom and I love to play at Publix. My current fave is “Pick Up Throw Down.” Mom gives me five toys (after she spends 10 minutes wrangling the cart seat cover into the buggy). I am allowed to throw two toys per aisle, as far as I can, then mom picks them up. Extra points if I hit someone with my teething giraffe or football. Our second fave game is “GIVEMEALLTHETHINGS!” I get to grab as many things off the shelves as I can, and fill up the seat. Mom tries to make this game more difficult by parking on an angle, steering away from the spices, and avoiding all of the leafy produce…but I still manage to win. Finally, we like “SURPRISE!” You can’t win this game until you get to the check-out line, and find the surprise grocery item. Last week it was a yucca root. Mom was surprised. That means I WIN!
Musical Instruments. This is my mom’s favorite part of Publix. We go to the wine section, and she picks out four different sounding bottles (mom says we must get four bottles because then we get a 5% discount – no point in shopping if you don’t do it the right way, she says). She carefully lays them in the buggy, and they clink-clank-clink-clank all the way to the check-out. Those are her favorite musical instruments.
Friends. Best of all, we have tons of friends at Publix. The lady who bakes our bread, the lady who slices our turkey, the lady who makes the Apron’s meal that my dad always eats while my mom stares at cans of tomatoes, and all of the ladies at the registers. My mom loves our Publix friends so much that she always lets them win at Ninja Chop. They keep telling me when I’m “old enough”, I can have a cookie with sprinkles every time we visit. Well, newsflash ladies: I am officially eight months old. BRING ON THE SUGAR.