Monday Miles is a weekly column written by my incredibly awesome (and obviously brilliant) son, Miles. Enjoy!
Happy Monday, readers! Can you believe it’s been seven whole days since you heard from me? That’s 14 naps for me, and zero for my mom and dad. Unless you count “resting your eyes.” In that case, we’re at 14-37.
My mom suffers from an unhealthy obsession of all things healthy. I am blaming Michelle Obama, for brainwashing her with this:
I applaud my mom’s constant monitoring of fruits, veggies, grains and protein. She’s still on the fence about dairy, and has “almond milk” on the list of things I’m supposed to try this month (spoiler alert: this will be dumped onto the dining room floor). While she is hawk-like in her monitoring efforts of my meal intake (and my dad’s…poor guy), I think my mom has failed to realize there are a few important food groups missing.
I’ve drafted a “suggested” food pyramid for her, styled in the original food pyramid fashion. You know, the one that let us eat twelve gloriously gluten filled servings of bread a day. Ah, the good old days…
Suggested Food Pyramid
- The Cat: A diet rich in fur is important. It helps you stay warm in winter.
- Zebra: Everyone should have a wooden zebra to carry around in their mouth at all times, impeding the invasion of broccoli and sippy cups filled with almond milk.
- Kibble: A type of “whole grains” that smells like beef jerky. Much better than those flavorless cereal puffs she’s constantly pouring on my high chair table.
- Important Papers: Did you know adults should have 25 grams of dietary fiber a day? Eating paper is a good way to get extra fiber, and will also help you straighten up that desk ASAP. The more important the papers, the better. Last week I ate part of my mom’s W-2. It was delicious.
- Floor Food: I cannot stress the importance of picking up every single thing off of the floor and putting it in your mouth. Your body will “crave” certain foods when you are deficient in certain vitamins and minerals. Floor food is an excellent way to get everything that’s lacking, and more!
My mom just might be reading this, and she may be concerned with the items listed in my suggested food pyramid. Fear not, mom…I was kind enough to create a food pyramid for you!
Mom’s Suggested Food Pyramid
- Wine (red)
- Wine (white)
- Wine (blush)
- Invisible Cookies: My mom doesn’t allow cookies in the house, but sometimes my dad is super cool and brings home Oreos. Mom will always say, “Why did you get those?!” Then, when no one is looking, she eats seven cookies. In 10 minutes, she reaches her daily caloric intake allotment. This is obviously deserving of its own box in the food pyramid, because if we all ate more Oreos, we’d spend less time eating spinach and more time doing fun things, like watching me climb on top of dangerously high furniture.
- Handfuls of My Cereal: She buys those Gerber Puffs for herself. I’m on to your games, woman.
And now for a cat fur and paper floor food sandwich.