Another Monday. Boring? Not when the Winter Olympics are quietly playing in the background 22 hours a day (we’re “anti-TV”, remember?)
I understand these games must be a pretty big deal, as evidenced by my mom’s tears while watching Ice Dancing.
My dad is talking to competitors that most certainly do not speak English; however, his coaching skills seem to be working. Since everyone is in the Olympic spirit around here, I thought I’d start my own version: The Toddler Olympics. Here are the games I’d like to pitch…
Diving Different from the diving portion of the Summer Olympics, as the Toddler Olympics Diving Competition requires no water. In fact, extra points are awarded for diving onto hard surfaces. Preferred platforms include the changing table, mom and dad’s bed, the couch, and toys that I’m not supposed to climb. Additional points are awarded for creativity and difficulty. Simply hurling yourself off the changing table in an attempt to inflict great bodily harm will not suffice; you also need style.
Poking Think of this as toddler-level boxing. Poking requires skill, precision, and the wily tactics of a fox. You must poke your finger in one of your opponent’s face holes. This is achieved by distracting them with your ability to “almost” walk, attempts at self-feeding, and most importantly, your undeniable cuteness. When your opponent least expects it…BAM! Finger in the eyeball. Fishhook their nose. Thumb jammed into their ear. And, the coup-de-grace, grabbing their bottom teeth with one hand and bopping them on the forehead with the other. Additional points awarded if your fingers are covered in food during any portion of the poking.
Cat Chasing Self-explanatory. Chase the cat in as many loops as possible around the dining room table. Additional points awarded if you successfully climb over and under all of the chairs, pull the tablecloth off the table, and scare the cat into climbing on top of the china hutch. Super extra special points if you touch the cat. Gold medal if you grab the cat’s tail. Points deducted if mom catches you trying to poke the cat in one of his face holes.
Milk Dancing Similar to diving; this event is held at the high chair, and involves a sippy cup full of milk. You may shake, twirl, bounce and launch the cup into the air, all while wildly flailing your arms, singing loudly and nodding your head in time to the Miss Lori’s Schoolhouse music playing in the background. Additional points awarded for style. My personal favorite move is “The Simba”: holding your sippy cup over your head as if presenting The Lion King, then promptly turning it upside down and pouring milk all over yourself. It’s my mom’s favorite move.
Floor Food Competition This is a single-competitor event that takes place entirely on the floor. You must locate and consume all stale Cheerios, dog kibble, dust bunnies, leaves and the things my mom calls “OHNODON’TTOUCHIT!” as quickly as possible. Additional points awarded for consumption of live floor food (example: bugs).
Wrestling Oh, you think toddlers are too young for wrestling? I beg to differ. This competition could also be called “Avoid Wearing Pants.” You must flip and flop, tuck and roll, stand up and bounce, and even attempt to Swan Dive off the changing table in an effort to avoid wearing pants while your opponent attempts to dress you. Additional points awarded if you distract them by laughing adorably. Gold medal if they give up and just let you run around in a diaper. My mom says I’m better than Ali when it comes to pants wrestling.
Hurling No, not that kind of hurling. This is the kind where you throw things at things. Another event in which additional points are awarded for creativity. While I could win some points by throwing my cow across the room, I win big points if I throw my cow and pig – at the same time – at the dog. The louder the hurling, the better. Super extra points if you knock a glass off the table. Gold medal if you knock mom’s coffee cup out of her hand.
And there you have it. The Toddler Olympics are a work in progress; additional games will be added as skill levels advance. I have big plans for when I figure out how to run on two legs…