Oh, hey there…it’s me, cutest baby in the history of time and space, bringing you another edition of Monday Miles. Today I’d like to discuss some important ways to test the driving skills of the person responsible for your transportation. In my case, that’s primarily my mom. She gets me to and from school every day, to Target on Fridays, and to Publix on Saturdays. I need my mom to be at the top of her game when it comes to navigate the great metropolis of Cape Coral, so I’ve developed a series of tests.
Hand-Eye Coordination…When navigating busy streets, it’s important that your hand-eye coordination is at its best. This will ensure you are able to politely wave drivers on at a four way stop, and tell other drivers who run red lights that they are, “NUMBER ONE!” (that’s what my mom says, anyway) To keep mom in top form, I like to throw random objects at the back of her head while the car is moving. Toys, my blankie, an empty water bottle she gave me to keep me quiet (LOLOLOL) my shoes, you name it…to the front seat it goes! Keeps her reflexes sharp and her ninja skills at their best.
Focus Focus Focus…You must always pay attention to the road and other drivers, no matter the distraction. The best way to test my mom’s ability to focus and avoid distraction is to yell, generally for no reason, for fifteen blocks. Sometimes it’s a happy yell, and sometimes if I really want to give her the essay portion of the test, it’s a hungry yell. Today, she successfully maintained her concentration by cranking up Guns ‘n Roses. I then successfully matched Axl octave for octave. WE ROCKED.
Multi-Tasking…Sometimes a driver needs to be able to multi-task, like reading street signs and using a turn signal at the same time, or reaching aimlessly around the backseat floorboard to find whatever it is I dropped that I suddenly need RIGHTNOWRIGHTNOWRIGHTNOWOHMYGOSHWHEREISMYTHINGGIVEITTOMENOOOOOOWWWW!!!!
The Boy Scout Rule…Always be prepared, right? Cheerios in the glove compartment, sippy cups in the diaper bag, blankies in the center console, extra toys shoved under the seats. This keeps you prepared to answer my demands of I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m bored, I CAN’T SEE YOUR FACE, MOM, can we play peek-a-boo while you’re driving? Also good for all boy scouts: a roll of paper towels in the backseat which I found on my way home today and OHMYGOSH it was awesome. Good luck multi-tasking after that toy, lady.
Hide and Seek…Or better yet, ESP. I dropped something in the backseat. I need it. You don’t know what it is because we’re on I75 and you are ignoring me. You must sense the item, locate the item and return it to my possession. Hint: It’s probably something I was eating that I shouldn’t be. Also, spoiler alert: I ate more than you realize.
My mom tells me that she is a super awesome fantastic driver, that “Ten and Two is the Thing to Do!” and that it’s totally okay to drive five miles under the speed limit. I just like to throw in these additional games to make sure she’s bringing her A game to rush hour traffic.