Monday Miles: Parent Driver Training

Oh, hey there…it’s me, cutest baby in the history of time and space, bringing you another edition of Monday Miles.  Today I’d like to discuss some important ways to test the driving skills of the person responsible for your transportation.  In my case, that’s primarily my mom.  She gets me to and from school every day, to Target on Fridays, and to Publix on Saturdays.  I need my mom to be at the top of her game when it comes to navigate the great metropolis of Cape Coral, so I’ve developed a series of tests.

Want to play a game involving six lanes of traffic and a toddler?

Want to play a game involving six lanes of traffic and a toddler?

Hand-Eye Coordination…When navigating busy streets, it’s important that your hand-eye coordination is at its best.  This will ensure you are able to politely wave drivers on at a four way stop, and tell other drivers who run red lights that they are, “NUMBER ONE!” (that’s what my mom says, anyway)  To keep mom in top form, I like to throw random objects at the back of her head while the car is moving.  Toys, my blankie, an empty water bottle she gave me to keep me quiet (LOLOLOL) my shoes, you name it…to the front seat it goes!  Keeps her reflexes sharp and her ninja skills at their best.

Focus Focus Focus…You must always pay attention to the road and other drivers, no matter the distraction.  The best way to test my mom’s ability to focus and avoid distraction is to yell, generally for no reason, for fifteen blocks.  Sometimes it’s a happy yell, and sometimes if I really want to give her the essay portion of the test, it’s a hungry yell.  Today, she successfully maintained her concentration by cranking up Guns ‘n Roses.  I then successfully matched Axl octave for octave.  WE ROCKED.

Welcome to rush hour, baby.

Welcome to rush hour, baby.

Multi-Tasking…Sometimes a driver needs to be able to multi-task, like reading street signs and using a turn signal at the same time, or reaching aimlessly around the backseat floorboard to find whatever it is I dropped that I suddenly need RIGHTNOWRIGHTNOWRIGHTNOWOHMYGOSHWHEREISMYTHINGGIVEITTOMENOOOOOOWWWW!!!!

The Boy Scout Rule…Always be prepared, right?  Cheerios in the glove compartment, sippy cups in the diaper bag, blankies in the center console, extra toys shoved under the seats.  This keeps you prepared to answer my demands of I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m bored, I CAN’T SEE YOUR FACE, MOM, can we play peek-a-boo while you’re driving?  Also good for all boy scouts: a roll of paper towels in the backseat which I found on my way home today and OHMYGOSH it was awesome.  Good luck multi-tasking after that toy, lady.

Hide and Seek…Or better yet, ESP.  I dropped something in the backseat.  I need it.  You don’t know what it is because we’re on I75 and you are ignoring me.  You must sense the item, locate the item and return it to my possession.  Hint: It’s probably something I was eating that I shouldn’t be.  Also, spoiler alert: I ate more than you realize.

My mom tells me that she is a super awesome fantastic driver, that “Ten and Two is the Thing to Do!” and that it’s totally okay to drive five miles under the speed limit.  I just like to throw in these additional games to make sure she’s bringing her A game to rush hour traffic.

TOWANDAAA!

TOWANDAAA!

Honk honk,

Miles

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Monday Miles: Suggested Food Pyramid

Monday Miles is a weekly column written by my incredibly awesome (and obviously brilliant) son, Miles.  Enjoy!

Happy Monday, readers!  Can you believe it’s been seven whole days since you heard from me?  That’s 14 naps for me, and zero for my mom and dad.  Unless you count “resting your eyes.”  In that case, we’re at 14-37.

My mom suffers from an unhealthy obsession of all things healthy.  I am blaming Michelle Obama, for brainwashing her with this:

Thanks you for telling me how to eat, DEMOCRACY.

Thank you for telling me how to eat, DEMOCRACY.

I applaud my mom’s constant monitoring of fruits, veggies, grains and protein.  She’s still on the fence about dairy, and has “almond milk” on the list of things I’m supposed to try this month (spoiler alert: this will be dumped onto the dining room floor).  While she is hawk-like in her monitoring efforts of my meal intake (and my dad’s…poor guy), I think my mom has failed to realize there are a few important food groups missing.

I’ve drafted a “suggested” food pyramid for her, styled in the original food pyramid fashion.  You know, the one that let us eat twelve gloriously gluten filled servings of bread a day.  Ah, the good old days…

Suggested Food Pyramid

  1. The Cat: A diet rich in fur is important.  It helps you stay warm in winter.
  2. Zebra: Everyone should have a wooden zebra to carry around in their mouth at all times, impeding the invasion of broccoli and sippy cups filled with almond milk.
  3. Kibble: A type of “whole grains” that smells like beef jerky.  Much better than those flavorless cereal puffs she’s constantly pouring on my high chair table.
  4. Important Papers: Did you know adults should have 25 grams of dietary fiber a day?  Eating paper is a good way to get extra fiber, and will also help you straighten up that desk ASAP.  The more important the papers, the better.  Last week I ate part of my mom’s W-2.  It was delicious.
  5. Floor Food: I cannot stress the importance of picking up every single thing off of the floor and putting it in your mouth.  Your body will “crave” certain foods when you are deficient in certain vitamins and minerals.  Floor food is an excellent way to get everything that’s lacking, and more!

My mom just might be reading this, and she may be concerned with the items listed in my suggested food pyramid.  Fear not, mom…I was kind enough to create a food pyramid for you!

Mom’s Suggested Food Pyramid

  1. Wine (red)
  2. Wine (white)
  3. Wine (blush)
  4. Invisible Cookies: My mom doesn’t allow cookies in the house, but sometimes my dad is super cool and brings home Oreos.  Mom will always say, “Why did you get those?!”  Then, when no one is looking, she eats seven cookies.  In 10 minutes, she reaches her daily caloric intake allotment.  This is obviously deserving of its own box in the food pyramid, because if we all ate more Oreos, we’d spend less time eating spinach and more time doing fun things, like watching me climb on top of dangerously high furniture.
  5. Handfuls of My Cereal: She buys those Gerber Puffs for herself.  I’m on to your games, woman.

And now for a cat fur and paper floor food sandwich.

Good night,

Miles

 

Monday Miles: My Favorite Things

The hills are aliiive…with the sound of my mom doing her best Julie Andrews impersonation.  Oh, did you think I was going to say Carrie Underwood?  NO.  That was a travesty, and we will not acknowledge NBC’s attempt to recreate the magic of Broadway on live television.  Just air the original movie, network executives.  That’s what 95% of the viewing population remembers, anyway.

Also, heads up to Hoda and Kathie Lee…we didn’t need an entire week of viewing clips from “live” rehearsals shoved into the fourth hour of Today.  My mom says the Fourth Hour is for wine, fashion, wine, cooking segments, wine and make-overs.  Also, Kathie Lee’s knock-knock jokes and making fun of Carson Daly.

I digress.  In the spirit of Ms. Andrews, and with inspiration from not Carrie Underwood, I have compiled a list of my own personal favorite things.  Actually, a song.  And yes, I am fully aware of my “baby genius” status.

To the tune of, “My Favorite Things”:

Waking up early and banging on my crib,
Lasagna mud mask while taking off my bib.
Finding that blanket with delicious strings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Unplugging cords from electrical outlets,
Peeing mid-diaper change; mommy sings, “NOT YET!”
Beating that toy ‘til it no longer dings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Chasing the cat since his tail is delicious.
Refusing that broccoli, it looks quite suspicious.
Hiding my mommy’s wedding rings…
These are a few of my favorite things.

Chewing the corners off all of my new books,
Pulling the shower curtain off of the hooks.
Jumping off toys like my legs are springs,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Trying to stand up while I’m in the bathtub,
Leaving my trucks out so dad gets a toe-stub.
Throwing my chicken toy; HEY, he has WINGS!
These are a few of my favorite things.

Stashing my binkies underneath the carseat,
Tasting the kibble that I see the dog eat.
Ruling the house because I am the KING,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When it’s naptime,
And the phone rings…
It can make me mad.
But then I remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so baaad!

Twirling in open meadows is one of Julie's favorite things.

Twirling in open meadows is one of Julie’s favorite things.

Happy Monday,

Miles

 

Monday Miles: A Review of “Goodnight Moon”

Happy Monday, Constant Reader!  Thank you so much for supporting my mom’s hobby…it gives her something to do besides ask me yet again if I know what sound a cow makes (of course I know, but what fun is it to respond right away?)  My mom is one of those who wants her children to always feel free to express themselves, even if it means wearing a plaid fishing hat for two years straight and walking around on all fours (ask her about it) so she has given me my own little corner here on Hysterically Ever After.  Every Monday (or sporadic Mondays, you know how moms can be…) I’ll be the featured writer.  Settle down, folks…the fun is just beginning.

My mom is an avid reader.  Well, she was an avid reader, before the best thing ever in the history of all time and space (me, duh) came into the picture.  Now, she binge reads until the wee hours of 10:30pm, then complains about how tired she is the next day.  She wants me to share this love of reading, which I appreciate.

She’s been reading to me since I was in the womb.  Now that I’m on the outside, I get to see what all the fuss is about.  Since she can no longer read Stephen King novels to me, the first book she chose to read aloud to me was “Dr. Seuss’s ABCs.”  There are 26 letters in the alphabet, which the good Doctor manages to squeeze into 60 pages, including illustrations.  We usually made it to page 23; there’s something about the letter H and that “hen in a hat” that struck me as delicious.

"H" is for DELICIOUS.

“H” is for DELICIOUS.

For the past couple months, we’ve moved on to more advanced reading.  Her current favorite is “Goodnight Moon.”  Because I have to hear this story 7+ times a week, I thought I’d give a review.  Enjoy.

Goodnight Moon: A Review

“In the great green room there was a telephone and a red balloon and a picture of…”

Great opener.  I am intrigued by the balloon in the nursery, and concerned with the lack of balloons in my own room.  I’m not sure why baby bunny needs a telephone, but I’m also not sure why baby bunny is wearing pajamas, so who am I to question the bunny’s lifestyle?  The scene has been set – it’s cozy, inviting, and making me a little drowsy.  That’s my mom’s favorite part.

Seriously, where's my balloon?

Seriously, where’s my balloon?

The story continues with a summation of room decor: picture of cow jumping over the moon, picture of three bears sitting on chairs.  Kittens, mittens, toy house and…a young mouse.  Obviously pest control is not the primary concern of the homeowner, but again, it’s a bunny, so for all I know the mouse could be a cousin.

Our plot takes a frightening twist as we continue surveying the room: a comb and a brush (okay, baby bunny is furry) and a bowl full of mush?!  That sounds disgusting.  Also, I’m not allowed to eat in my room, so why does baby bunny have a bowl of mush on his nightstand?  What’s in the mush?  Is it left over from dinner?  Or is it breakfast mush?

Also in the room: a quiet old lady who was whispering “hush.”  Now I’m getting a little creeped out.  Who is this old lady bunny?  Why is she sitting the room knitting, telling someone (or something) to hush?  The author quickly moves along, ignoring these nagging questions.

Goodnight room.  Goodnight moon.  Goodnight cow jumping over the moon.  Goodnight light and the red balloon.  Goodnight bears.  Goodnight chairs.  Goodnight kittens and goodnight mittens.  Goodnight clocks and goodnight socks.  Goodnight little house and goodnight mouse.  Goodnight comb and goodnight brush.

We seem to be winding down, right?  Telling every animal, painting, sock and mitten “goodnight,” slowly forgetting the purpose of the bowl of mush, or the intent of the quiet knitting old bunny.  And then…

GOODNIGHT NOBODY.  What does that mean?  Is it foreshadowing for a greater event?

"But if it's not even there, is it really there, man?" Note: I am too lazy to rotate the image.

“But if it’s not even there, is it really THERE, man?”
Note: I am too lazy to rotate the image.

Again, the author quickly moves on, ignoring yet again this important question.

Goodnight mush.  And goodnight to the old lady whispering “hush.”  Goodnight stars.  Goodnight air.  Goodnight noises everywhere.

A few items of note; there are several pieces of artwork featured in the story (cow, bears) but the author never acknowledges the painting above the bookcase.  The one with the bunny who appears to be flyfishing in a river, with a carrot, to catch a baby bunny.

"Here, bunny bunny bunny..."

“Here, bunny bunny bunny…”

The bear painting features the cow painting.  It’s a painting within a painting.  Have the bears been to baby bunny’s room before?  And why are they just sitting around in those chairs, expressionless and without pots of honey?  These bears are not to be trusted.

Ominous bears in chairs.

Ominous bears in chairs.
Note: I actually tried to rotate this one.

Baby bunny has a telephone on the nightstand to call for help…to be rescued from the crazy old knitting bunny, or the bears who are probably watching him right now, or the big bunny who is fishing for baby bunnies.  But is it too late?  The blank “nobody” page seems to elude that time has run short; no one is on the way to save baby bunny from eating the mush.  The story ends abruptly, with no resolution to baby bunny’s fate.  I’d like to think the story was a dream, and he will awaken from his baby bunny slumber to a nice warm bowl of carrot mush.

Overall, the simple tale is one of repetitive, dream inducing sleep words.  My mom loves sleep words.

I have two final comments to make; first, the story needs more Oxford commas.  And second, my mom would never say, “goodnight noises”, as this implies you are letting the noises be.  My mom has skills, a very special set of nap and bedtime inducing skills.  She would find the noise; she would hunt it down, and then eliminate it.  Sometimes that means telling my dad to roll over and stop snoring.  Sometimes it means telling the cat to get off the china hutch and where did you find that Christmas ornament?!  Most of the time, it means kicking the dog out at 3am because she won’t stop pacing circles around the dining room table.

I give “Goodnight Moon” four out of five stars.  It’s good sleepytime material, if you ignore the illustrations.

See you in seven days,

Miles