Monday Miles: Parent Driver Training

Oh, hey there…it’s me, cutest baby in the history of time and space, bringing you another edition of Monday Miles.  Today I’d like to discuss some important ways to test the driving skills of the person responsible for your transportation.  In my case, that’s primarily my mom.  She gets me to and from school every day, to Target on Fridays, and to Publix on Saturdays.  I need my mom to be at the top of her game when it comes to navigate the great metropolis of Cape Coral, so I’ve developed a series of tests.

Want to play a game involving six lanes of traffic and a toddler?

Want to play a game involving six lanes of traffic and a toddler?

Hand-Eye Coordination…When navigating busy streets, it’s important that your hand-eye coordination is at its best.  This will ensure you are able to politely wave drivers on at a four way stop, and tell other drivers who run red lights that they are, “NUMBER ONE!” (that’s what my mom says, anyway)  To keep mom in top form, I like to throw random objects at the back of her head while the car is moving.  Toys, my blankie, an empty water bottle she gave me to keep me quiet (LOLOLOL) my shoes, you name it…to the front seat it goes!  Keeps her reflexes sharp and her ninja skills at their best.

Focus Focus Focus…You must always pay attention to the road and other drivers, no matter the distraction.  The best way to test my mom’s ability to focus and avoid distraction is to yell, generally for no reason, for fifteen blocks.  Sometimes it’s a happy yell, and sometimes if I really want to give her the essay portion of the test, it’s a hungry yell.  Today, she successfully maintained her concentration by cranking up Guns ‘n Roses.  I then successfully matched Axl octave for octave.  WE ROCKED.

Welcome to rush hour, baby.

Welcome to rush hour, baby.

Multi-Tasking…Sometimes a driver needs to be able to multi-task, like reading street signs and using a turn signal at the same time, or reaching aimlessly around the backseat floorboard to find whatever it is I dropped that I suddenly need RIGHTNOWRIGHTNOWRIGHTNOWOHMYGOSHWHEREISMYTHINGGIVEITTOMENOOOOOOWWWW!!!!

The Boy Scout Rule…Always be prepared, right?  Cheerios in the glove compartment, sippy cups in the diaper bag, blankies in the center console, extra toys shoved under the seats.  This keeps you prepared to answer my demands of I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m bored, I CAN’T SEE YOUR FACE, MOM, can we play peek-a-boo while you’re driving?  Also good for all boy scouts: a roll of paper towels in the backseat which I found on my way home today and OHMYGOSH it was awesome.  Good luck multi-tasking after that toy, lady.

Hide and Seek…Or better yet, ESP.  I dropped something in the backseat.  I need it.  You don’t know what it is because we’re on I75 and you are ignoring me.  You must sense the item, locate the item and return it to my possession.  Hint: It’s probably something I was eating that I shouldn’t be.  Also, spoiler alert: I ate more than you realize.

My mom tells me that she is a super awesome fantastic driver, that “Ten and Two is the Thing to Do!” and that it’s totally okay to drive five miles under the speed limit.  I just like to throw in these additional games to make sure she’s bringing her A game to rush hour traffic.

TOWANDAAA!

TOWANDAAA!

Honk honk,

Miles

Why Publix is AWESOME on Christmas Eve (by: Miles)

Now that my mom has finally recognized my stellar writing ability, I’ve been granted permission to write regular posts for her little blog. Not only will my fans appreciate this, but it could bring new readers for my mom. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. – Miles

On Christmas Eve, my mom and I went to Publix. This was an exciting trip. I love the grocery store, and so does my mom. How do I know she loves Publix, especially on Christmas Eve? Because we had lots of fun, and played tons of games. Here’s how:

Singing. Lots of you know that my mom loves music. As soon as we neared the Publix parking lot at 7:30am on Christmas Eve, she began singing one of her faves, “Welcome to the Jungle.” Have you heard her Axl Rose impression? It’s pretty spot-on. She sang with such tenacity, I knew she was super excited to be at Publix. SHANANANANANAKNEESKNEES!

My mom's spirit animal.

My mom’s spirit animal.

Circling. Mom is a nervous driver. Don’t tell her I said that; she’s constantly telling me that she’s a “cautious” driver. Her level of caution can be measured by the number of circles around the parking lot, as she waits for her special parking spot to become available. Do you know about the special parking spot? It’s four rows away from Publix. Not only is it four rows away, but it’s also the last spot in the row. Mom says the extra 4,783 feet we have to walk to get to Publix is “exercise.” She really parks there so she can avoid hitting cars, shopping carts, palm trees and pedestrians. We do not park anywhere else, so for her to wait 37 minutes on Christmas Eve for the special spot shows her enthusiasm to start grocery shopping.

Bumper Buggies. Wheeeee! Bumping into other buggies is so much fun! I know mom loves it because she’s always whispering the nicknames of other shoppers under her breath as we bump into their carts. Her favorite fellow buggy bumper contender is “HURRY UP AND PICK OUT A TOMATO ALREADY, SLOWPOKE MCGEE.” Mom always wins Bumper Buggies. Christmas Eve was like the Superbowl of Bumper Buggies. We won all the points.

Ninja Chops. This is mom’s second favorite game, and it’s the most fun at Publix. As soon as someone tries to poke my face, she ninja chops their arm. The more ninja chops, the more points. On Christmas Eve we won so many points that my mom is now a Ninja Warrior.

Games, in General. In addition to bumping buggies and chopping strangers, there are lots of other fun games that my mom and I love to play at Publix. My current fave is “Pick Up Throw Down.” Mom gives me five toys (after she spends 10 minutes wrangling the cart seat cover into the buggy). I am allowed to throw two toys per aisle, as far as I can, then mom picks them up. Extra points if I hit someone with my teething giraffe or football. Our second fave game is “GIVEMEALLTHETHINGS!” I get to grab as many things off the shelves as I can, and fill up the seat. Mom tries to make this game more difficult by parking on an angle, steering away from the spices, and avoiding all of the leafy produce…but I still manage to win. Finally, we like “SURPRISE!” You can’t win this game until you get to the check-out line, and find the surprise grocery item. Last week it was a yucca root. Mom was surprised. That means I WIN!

Musical Instruments. This is my mom’s favorite part of Publix. We go to the wine section, and she picks out four different sounding bottles (mom says we must get four bottles because then we get a 5% discount – no point in shopping if you don’t do it the right way, she says). She carefully lays them in the buggy, and they clink-clank-clink-clank all the way to the check-out. Those are her favorite musical instruments.

Don't worry, we recycle.

Don’t worry, we recycle.

Friends. Best of all, we have tons of friends at Publix. The lady who bakes our bread, the lady who slices our turkey, the lady who makes the Apron’s meal that my dad always eats while my mom stares at cans of tomatoes, and all of the ladies at the registers. My mom loves our Publix friends so much that she always lets them win at Ninja Chop. They keep telling me when I’m “old enough”, I can have a cookie with sprinkles every time we visit. Well, newsflash ladies: I am officially eight months old. BRING ON THE SUGAR.

Merry Christmas,

Miles

Things Mom Should Know About Christmas (by Miles Coke)

After a two week hiatus (you missed me, right?) I’m back!  We enjoyed a quiet Thanksgiving, and I was blessed enough to spend an entire week at home with Miles on “staycation” (that word is on my “Do Not Use” list for 2014).  A future post is in the works about my SAHM week, but for now, in the spirit of Christmas, I thought I’d share with you…
Things My Eight Month Old Wants Me to Know About Christmas
As told by Miles Clark Coke
1. I do not want toys.  I do want all of the wrapping paper, tape, bows, ribbons, gift tags and other essential items that encase the toys.  Because in this situation, it’s absolutely not what’s on the inside that counts…it’s what is on the outside.  The pretty, sparkly, carefully wrapped yet must-be-destroyed outside.
2. I do not want your Christmas tree.  You can barricade that tree with whatever you feel is necessary, woman…I’m not interested.  What I dowant are those needles.  You know, the ones that you vacuum up five times a day, only to miss half a dozen behind the couch.  Guess what?  I found them.  Guess what else?  THEY WERE DELICIOUS.
3. You cannot hide all of the jingle bells from me.  You can hang the ornaments up high, move the mistletoe before I see it, and open the front door as slowly and quietly as possible to avoid disturbing the jingle bell wreath…but I know they’re there.  I will find them, and because I’m a jingle bell ninja, I will capture them.  Then, I will jingle them incessantly.  They’re A MILLION times better than your car keys.  Then, when I’m done with them, I’ll hide them and you’ll never find them again.  EVER.
4. Taking photos for this year’s Christmas card is my favorite game.  I know I’m winning because you squeal every time I grab your nose right before the camera flashes.  Extra points for blurry arms, drool and grabbing Dad’s beard.  Just give me the jingle bells, and I’ll call a truce. 
4. Anything you drop on the kitchen floor is fair game.  Especially cranberries, chocolate chips and sprinkles.  You’ll probably want to hide the cat food while you’re at it.
5. Thank you for the children’s nativity set.  It was delicious.
6. And thank you for the beautiful Christmas lights.  They were delicious.
7.  Please, try to read “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” to me.  Because you’re going to find out that I also find the book very delicious.
8. In summation, CHRISTMAS IS DELICIOUS.
Love,

Miles