I know what you’re thinking, and of course I’ve been slacking around here; I’m 34 weeks preg with a 350lb linebacker whose only interest is seeing how far into my ribs a foot could possibly be jammed (answer: the foot feels like it’s coming out of my ear). Every time I sneeze, I’m afraid I’ll pee. Every time I pee, I’m afraid my water will break. Every time I look at the carseat now installed in my backseat, I fuh-reak the freak out. So I promise to be back with more regularly scheduled nonsense, but in the meantime, I’ve gathered a list of things I’ve been asked/told over the past few weeks that were not well received. Thankfully, I have also provided you with a list of replacement phrases and questions. Learn it, use it. THE MORE YOU KNOW.
Things Every Preg Hates to Hear:
- Are you having twins?
- You haven’t had that baby yet?
- You’re carrying your baby weight really well.
- Better get your rest while you still can!
- That baby will be enormous.
- Do your boobs hurt?
- I bet you can belch like a trucker.
- Those are some serious dark circles you’re sporting.
Things Every Preg Loves to Hear:
- The cook accidentally doubled your order of onion rings.
- No charge for the extra hot fudge.
- You look like a beautiful, glowing Earth Mama.
- YOU LOOK SO WELL RESTED!
- You’re so tiny!
- Would you like an extra scoop of ice cream?
- Would you like a brownie?
- Please, eat the last slice.
- Would you like a foot rub?
- You should go take a nap.
- I WILL CLEAN THE ENTIRE HOUSE FOR YOU. And then I will bake you a cake.
- DELICIOUS FOOD, THIS WAY!
And so, in summation, it’s food. I like to hear about food. Keep your opinions about belly size/nipples/dark circles/gas to yourself, and give me a brownie.
OMG ONLY SIX WEEKS TO GO,