A week has come and gone, and it’s been quiet here, right? That’s because I’ve been fighting off the death plague of laryngitis, with my voice slowly sinking from Sexy Kathleen Turner to Barfly Sipping G&Ts and Smoking Unfiltered Parliaments (probably before noon on a Tuesday). Having this funk has been so lame. If I laugh too hard, I cough. If I talk too loud, I cough. If I do my favorite Goodnight Moon voice, I cough and Miles laughs at me. And if I cough too hard, I cough more, then I get dizzy, my vision blurs, and I forget where I am…
I am surviving on a diet of sugar free Ricola cough drops, saline nasal spray, and two glasses of merlot with a Sleepytime Tea chaser.
Last week, I jotted down a few thoughts to turn into a lazy post so my favorite readers wouldn’t forget about me. Said note was jotted post-wine, so it said things like “sewing is hard” and “food binge.” So it took me a while to re-gather those fractured thoughts, but here they are…
Sewing Project My awesome husband got me a sewing machine for Christmas two years ago, and I was super excited. I had lists upon lists of things I would sew. But I was pregnant, which meant these projects ended at curtains and a crib skirt. Then, last week I stumbled across a fabulous patchwork skirt on one of my favorite online shopping destinations. I was in love. Handmade, recycled fabric, with glitter dust from baby unicorns (sustainably harvested, of course). GIMME. Oh wait…you want $78 for the Goodwill skirt?!
A SEWING PROJECT WAS BORN!
I know what some of you are thinking…of course I have time for this project. So maybe I didn’t brush my teeth until 4pm this past Saturday. And maybe I seriously contemplated just not brushing them at all, since it was so close to bedtime anyway. But we went to Target, and because I obviously care about my appearance and scent when it’s the weekend, I brushed them. I also put on jeans that had zero yogurt stains on them. I am a mom who has it together. I can sew a skirt.
Stomach Flu I haven’t had a stomach flu in a few months, but I was on an antibiotic recently that felt like the stomach flu. The label had specific instructions to take the pill either one hour before eating, or two hours after eating. It took me five days (out of a seven day prescription) to figure that out.
Listen, we all know why the stomach flu causes weight loss, and it’s because you should be eating all of your meals (read: sipping your stupid chicken broth) in the bathroom. You might as well dump the broth directly into the toilet, because it has the same effectiveness as eating it.
So you drop a few LBs. If you’re like me, that means think you’ve won the Skinny Award which comes with a free pass to eat half a pound of hummus every night for a week. I knew I had a problem when my husband, whom I love and adore for his thoughtfulness, came home one night with “snacks” for me: two blocks of cheese, pitas, a large tub of hummus, some fruit and a bottle of wine. Snacks that I eat at 9pm. You know, when I should be in bed, but I’m up watching stupid Catfish on stupid MTV with their stupid loud commercials. I love hummus, SO MUCH.
Irrational Fears I hate driving. I harbor a fair amount of fear and anxiety when it comes to operating a motor vehicle. Here are some of the things I’m afraid of:
- The wheels falling off my truck.
- Someone driving the wrong way on a one way street.
- Not being able to unbuckle my seatbelt.
- Lightning striking my truck.
- Freak airbag deployment.
- Brake failure.
- My truck turning into “Christine.”
Of course I’m still afraid of the regular things like flat tires, pumping gas, locking my keys in my car and people hiding in the backseat. Those are just some of my irrational fears.
Promise to be back later this week with more coherent thoughts. Until then, send warm thoughts of Vicks, vaporizers and hot toddies.