Thoughts on Sewing, Stomach Flus and Irrational Fears

A week has come and gone, and it’s been quiet here, right?  That’s because I’ve been fighting off the death plague of laryngitis, with my voice slowly sinking from Sexy Kathleen Turner to Barfly Sipping G&Ts and Smoking Unfiltered Parliaments (probably before noon on a Tuesday).  Having this funk has been so lame.  If I laugh too hard, I cough.  If I talk too loud, I cough.  If I do my favorite Goodnight Moon voice, I cough and Miles laughs at me.  And if I cough too hard, I cough more, then I get dizzy, my vision blurs, and I forget where I am…

I am surviving on a diet of sugar free Ricola cough drops, saline nasal spray, and two glasses of merlot with a Sleepytime Tea chaser.

Last week, I jotted down a few thoughts to turn into a lazy post so my favorite readers wouldn’t forget about me.  Said note was jotted post-wine, so it said things like “sewing is hard” and “food binge.”  So it took me a while to re-gather those fractured thoughts, but here they are…

Sewing Project  My awesome husband got me a sewing machine for Christmas two years ago, and I was super excited.  I had lists upon lists of things I would sew.  But I was pregnant, which meant these projects ended at curtains and a crib skirt.  Then, last week I stumbled across a fabulous patchwork skirt on one of my favorite online shopping destinations.  I was in love.  Handmade, recycled fabric, with glitter dust from baby unicorns (sustainably harvested, of course).  GIMME.  Oh wait…you want $78 for the Goodwill skirt?!


I know what some of you are thinking…of course I have time for this project.  So maybe I didn’t brush my teeth until 4pm this past Saturday.  And maybe I seriously contemplated just not brushing them at all, since it was so close to bedtime anyway.  But we went to Target, and because I obviously care about my appearance and scent when it’s the weekend, I brushed them.  I also put on jeans that had zero yogurt stains on them.  I am a mom who has it together.  I can sew a skirt.

Stomach Flu  I haven’t had a stomach flu in a few months, but I was on an antibiotic recently that felt like the stomach flu.  The label had specific instructions to take the pill either one hour before eating, or two hours after eating.  It took me five days (out of a seven day prescription) to figure that out.

Listen, we all know why the stomach flu causes weight loss, and it’s because you should be eating all of your meals (read: sipping your stupid chicken broth) in the bathroom.  You might as well dump the broth directly into the toilet, because it has the same effectiveness as eating it.

So you drop a few LBs.  If you’re like me, that means think you’ve won the Skinny Award which comes with a free pass to eat half a pound of hummus every night for a week.  I knew I had a problem when my husband, whom I love and adore for his thoughtfulness, came home one night with “snacks” for me: two blocks of cheese, pitas, a large tub of hummus, some fruit and a bottle of wine.  Snacks that I eat at 9pm.  You know, when I should be in bed, but I’m up watching stupid Catfish on stupid MTV with their stupid loud commercials.  I love hummus, SO MUCH.

Irrational Fears  I hate driving.  I harbor a fair amount of fear and anxiety when it comes to operating a motor vehicle.  Here are some of the things I’m afraid of:

  1. The wheels falling off my truck.
  2. Someone driving the wrong way on a one way street.
  3. Not being able to unbuckle my seatbelt.
  4. Lightning striking my truck.
  5. Freak airbag deployment.
  6. Explosions.
  7. Brake failure.
  8. My truck turning into “Christine.”
Juuust in case you didn't catch that reference.

Juuust in case you didn’t catch that reference.

Of course I’m still afraid of the regular things like flat tires, pumping gas, locking my keys in my car and people hiding in the backseat.  Those are just some of my irrational fears.

Promise to be back later this week with more coherent thoughts.  Until then, send warm thoughts of Vicks, vaporizers and hot toddies.



Remember when I tried to write a weekly round-up of the junk I was doing when I wasn’t here writing?  Well, as it turns out, I am primarily doing junk other than writing a lot (kids, right?!) and the round-up fell to the wayside.  Instead of keeping a notepad with things that happen during the week that I feel the need to share with the public, it’s evolved into a smattering of thoughts.  These are the thoughts I’ve had this evening.

Tonight, it’s just me and the kid, since Evan is running the soundboard for our praise team’s rehearsal.  I love (most of) the time I get when it’s just Miles and me; except for random trips to Target that end with the kid under one arm and an abandoned 31 pound jug of cat litter.  But for the majority, Me and Miles Time is awesomesauce.

Do you know what I really really like about M&M night?  Once Miles hits the hay, it’s just M NIGHT, as in M-E (not Shymalanlahardtospell last name but decent director of movies that scare me guy).  Choirs of angels sing while I make a list of things I’d like to do with the next glorious three hours…

  1. Finish last month’s entry in Miles’ baby book.
  2. Organize closet.  Again.  WHO DESTROYS THIS SPACE DURING THE DAY?!  I’m looking at you, cats.
  3. Read many, many discussion boards regarding this week’s episode of The Walking Dead (omgomgomg)
  4. Get a few chores done.
  5. Write nonsense for this blog.

Seems like a short list, right?  Well, here’s what ends up happening…

  1. Wash bottles and sippy cups until four layers of skin has fallen off my delicate hands.
  2. Cut fruit and vegetables for tomorrow.
  3. Clean up fruit and vegetable bits from today.
  4. Wash more things.
  6. Find more fruit and cheese and vegetables on the floor.  Dog refuses to eat it.  Clean it up myself.
  7. Pick up all the toys.
  8. Stand over Miles’ crib and watch him sleep several times.   Cry once because he’s a sleeping angel.  Giggle because he farted in his sleep.  Laugh harder because giggling caused me to fart.  Leave room before he wakes up.  Realize I’m behaving like a sorority girl on spring break.
  9. Wash more things.
  10. Look at Miles’ baby book.  Think of sweet and clever things to write.  Remember the laundry.
  11. Open the refrigerator at 8:45p.  Stare at its never changing contents.  Close the refrigerator.
  12. Worry about all the things I wanted to do that I’M NOT DOING.
  13. Make the bed.  I know, I’m weird.
  14. Pour a glass of wine.  Eat fruit and cheese and maybe a brownie and probably some potato chips with onion dip.  Eat more fruit to counteract chips.  Eat half a cookie.  Eat an apple slice.  Pour more wine and hide the brownies.
  15. Start to write.  Run out of clever, deep, thought provoking, humorous things to say.  Start thinking random thoughts.  Decide that would make an excellent post.  Commence writing after second glass of wine.
  17. Think about taking a shower.  Spoiler alert: My towel is still dry.
  18. Panic because I am getting NONE OF THE THINGS DONE.  Except washing things.
  19. Give up and watch DVR’d episodes of Law & Order: SVU.
  20. Add a number 20 because my OCD will not allow the list to end at 19.

Three hours of me time.  One hour spent panicking about what to do with me time.  110 minutes spent doing chores.  10 minutes spent drinking wine and eating random fridge food (like floor food, but on a higher shelf) and writing this nonsense.

I am making a better list for the M portion of next month’s M&M Night.  Positive things that happened tonight: Miles took six consecutive steps (!!!) before realizing he was walking and collapsing on his butt.  He picked up a banana and ate it by himself, without smashing any into his ears.  And I got lots and lots and lots and lots of snuggles.  Squee!

Come fold my laundry.  Clever ideas may arrive later this week.


PS – Do you watch The Walking Dead?  CAN YOU BELIEVE SUNDAY’S EPISODE?  I have spent an unhealthy amount of time worried about the lack of mental healthcare in the zombie apocalypse.  There are only two episodes left this season.  My brain and heart might explode.